Forgiving

One of the hardest things in life is to forgive yourself. Its the oddest thing. It should be easy but we carry around our mistakes and pick them apart. We try and figure out what we could have done different or how we are going to fix it so that next time we won't make the same mistake. It starts to consume us and forgiving ourselves and moving on doesn't ever seem to be our first thought or option. 

I get a daily C.S. Lewis quote and that was what the quote was about today. He said "If God forgives us we must forgive ourselves otherwise its like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him" -CSLewis. That's what got me thinking about this and how once we have accepted Jesus Christ our sins are forgiven and yet we rarely act as if they are. We let our past experiences take control of us and keep our darkest secrets hidden. Now I'm not saying go out and say to the whole world what your darkest secrets are but learn to trust those who are close to you and that love you. They will help you understand just how forgiven your sins are. 

The shame of sin is nothing compared to the love of Jesus and how that love is shown. There is no reason to not forgive yourself and move on. If the one who created you can do it than shouldn't we be able to as well?

Dreaming

I have always found dreaming very strange. I've always wondered what God was thinking when He decided to give us dreams. Not all people seem to remember their dreams and some people's dreams are very vivid. I have very vivid dreams but they are very surreal dreams.


I've never had very realistic dreams and lately I've been having dreams almost every night. Its odd what our brains do and what we dream. I think they are away of telling us away of things that we are keeping inside and not really accepting as reality.


Ever since my cousin passed its been hard accepting that she really died. So in my dreams I've been dreaming about random people dying. Others have been other family members dying and I think my dreams are a way of my mind telling me what I am really feeling but keeping suppressed. Especially when we are sad its hard to feel that everyday so you try to make do. All those feelings come out in your dreams. 


The only things I can really remember though is what my feelings where during the dream and that it was vivid. Other than that its hard to remember details. 


Dreaming overall is an odd experience. For me dreaming is a way for our mind to feel those suppressed feelings. Those are just my thoughts those. 

Grief

Having someone die in your family that you were close to is really painful. So much so that have the time you can't even believe it. It isn't just grieve for a day and than you are done. It takes time to heal but the wound never fully heals because life can never go back to "normal". 


One of the most annoying things to me is that people keep asking me how I am doing. They would ask that during the wake and the funeral and you just want to yell at them and say how do you think I am feeling? You just begin to say that you are hanging in there because it is hard to describe to people what you are feeling.


The emotions swing constantly from angry to sad to just nothing at all. It is hard to deal with because some days you just want to be by yourself and not talk to anyone at all. So I'm sorry if I am crabby to anyone its just going to be one of those days.


I've also had people say she would want you to be happy or she is in Heaven now in her real home. They are trying to be comforting and it helps sometimes but most times it still doesn't make you feel any better. I think the pastor put it best at the ceremony. He said that my head knows that but can someone make my heart know that. 


Even though we know that our heart still aches for our loved one. There are so many emotions that just go through you all at once that it is just over whelming. That to me is what grief and mourning is. It's a place where you don't quite know how to feel. Our heart is in pain and doesn't understand.


That to me is why Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4) Mourning is a process where our hearts are sad, angry and confused. It's hard to see how this makes a person blessed but it comes from the part of being comforted. The only part that we take comfort in is the fact that God is our Father and He has a plan. A blessed person understands this and goes to God for comfort. They also understand that it is still okay to mourn. Its not just a day thing but a process of healing from the comfort we get from God. 


It's not an easy thing but every day is a new step with God and learning how to be comforted through this process of mourning.

Invincible

Each day we believe there will be one more
An invincibility to live the future
However you never know when God will want you to be with Him
Life is a precious gift given 
Today may be your last
Everyone says to live like today is your last day
Instead learn to love and show it every day
You never know if this will be the last time you will see a person
Tell them that you love them and care about them because the chance may never come again
That is what is truly invincible
Love given as a gift
Nothing can ever take that away


In loving memory of my cousin Aleeza Saande December 2, 1991 - January 9, 2011. 


You had a big heart and loved everyone you met. You taught us all how to love and now we will keep living and learn to pass on the love that you gave to us. We will never forget you because your love will always be with us!

Back to the Groove

To all the people that read this I am back. The Christmas season is over at work and I have a month break now with little work and no school. I am hoping to get a lot done this break probably knowing that I won't. So if you read this just keep telling me to get to work! I really don't have any great thoughts at the moment but something someone said at work the other day really struck me.

At work we have a tshirt that all the proceeds go directly to helping Haiti recover. A guy came in and told us that many of the missionaries that are in Haiti are not excepting money from organizations or donations from individuals because they believe that God will provide for the people and help them get back on their feet. I don't know if this is true or not but if it is I think it's odd that they would reject the money. Can't God use people and organizations to help out and provide for Haiti? It seems to me that God is using other people to bring in money to help His people and provide for them. That's just my thoughts anyways.

The Mechanical Man

Everything we learn we are taught. Nothing known to us isn't taught. One could say that we are machines that are programmed to do. Especially if we are taught to just do and not think. 


In the book The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison he writes about a young black man who goes through various events in his life where people are trying to make him a "mechanical" man. Throughout the whole novel he believes that he is doing things that will progress him further in his life but in reality he is being subjected to everyone else's views. He is being forced to live a certain way. (I should also say that this book was written in the 50's to put it into context.) 


While in the south he attends a black college. While there the things he learns is that he is to please the white man. He isn't to do what they ask but to do what they want. He is to know what the white man wants and to appease there every need. While he thought that he has learned this he fails to do so and is expelled from the school and sent to Harlem in NYC. 


While in NYC he ends up in a hospital after being in an explosion. He ends up in this metal box with a glass cover. The doctors are attempting to get rid of all his memories and make him into someone that they can use that doesn't think. They are trying to make him the mechanical man. However, the opposite seems to happen and he thinks that he is free of the world. He takes this job where he thinks that he will become his own man and be able to speak to Harlem and change the world. The opposite happens though. He is indoctrinated by the Brotherhood, who he is working for, and becomes their puppet. He is used by them to their every need. He still hasn't escaped the world of the mechanical man. 


Even in the end of the book he is trying to figure out what has happened to him and what he is supposed to think of it all. 


The same can be said of us. If we look at our lives how are you living it? Are you a mechanical person who has been taught things and doesn't take the time to think about what you have been taught? 


Without thinking about what we have been taught we become mechanical and then possibly we haven't learned a thing.


P.S. I left a TON of the book out and you should check it out because there is a lot of good stuff in the book. If you are offended by objectionable material though I give you fair warning there is some in the book.

Beautiful Bliss

Drowning in this beautiful bliss of lies I sat and wondered if it were true. 


Could I trust the person sitting next to me who seemed to tell such a beautiful tale? The words were poetic and captivating. Seeming to reveal the deepest part of my soul in a way known all to well. 


The familiarity seemed warm and comforting at first but slowly turned cold. Nothing but a beautiful void stood before me. Trusting its every word till I would die. 


Wanting nothing more then to complete the very thing before me.  This beautiful void that I knew nothing of. Captivating me till I would die.


It held something I wanted. The truth deep within itself. Drowning from the lies that created the beauty. 


I realized it was me. I wanted myself and not the lies that I had made. No more drowning. It may not be beautiful but its me. 


Yes it was true but there's more to life than drowning in a beautiful bliss of lies.