Fear

I've thought about this a lot lately and there are many parts of myself that I fear. I think many people have things that that they fear about themselves but rarely realize it. This fear of parts of ourselves causes us to create masks for ourselves and become a false us in a sense. Instead of those things being a part of who we are, they become something entirely different. We make them out to be things we don't want, things that aren't truly us because we have come to believe that the mask is real. This gives power to those things and gives them control over us.


I've let myself live in fear long enough. I've feared them because I thought I could hurt people, be hurt myself, and I thought that I would disappoint God. I made a mask so that people wouldn't find out about my real self. I had one for any situation so that it would seem that I had everything together and that everything was perfect. Yet deep down I feared the worst thing possible, myself. I didn't want people to know that I had dealt with depression, suicide, pornography and doubting God. I feared those things and because of it they began to control me. 


It was a circle that seemed to just keep propelling itself. The more I feared them the more they controlled me. My fear made me not want to do anything about them and that in turn made me go deeper into them. The fear kept growing because I was afraid of people finding out and then losing everything because of it. I certainly didn't want God to know either because how could He ever love someone who couldn't even love them self. I gave power to these things by fear and they took over my life. 


I finally hit rock bottom and that's where I learned a lot about myself. I learned that those things were apart of me. They were me and trying to get rid of them was never going to happen. I wouldn't just have to learn to just deal with them, I would have to learn to live with them. Everyday is a struggle but knowing that means that I don't have to fear them. They no longer have power over me. Its not easy and I'm still learning more about myself. Being open with people and learning to live out who I really am makes a big difference. 


Knowing your own struggles and being honest with yourself about them teaches you a lot about yourself and lets you live life freely.


"For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light."
-Luke 8:17 (ESV)