Grief

Having someone die in your family that you were close to is really painful. So much so that have the time you can't even believe it. It isn't just grieve for a day and than you are done. It takes time to heal but the wound never fully heals because life can never go back to "normal". 


One of the most annoying things to me is that people keep asking me how I am doing. They would ask that during the wake and the funeral and you just want to yell at them and say how do you think I am feeling? You just begin to say that you are hanging in there because it is hard to describe to people what you are feeling.


The emotions swing constantly from angry to sad to just nothing at all. It is hard to deal with because some days you just want to be by yourself and not talk to anyone at all. So I'm sorry if I am crabby to anyone its just going to be one of those days.


I've also had people say she would want you to be happy or she is in Heaven now in her real home. They are trying to be comforting and it helps sometimes but most times it still doesn't make you feel any better. I think the pastor put it best at the ceremony. He said that my head knows that but can someone make my heart know that. 


Even though we know that our heart still aches for our loved one. There are so many emotions that just go through you all at once that it is just over whelming. That to me is what grief and mourning is. It's a place where you don't quite know how to feel. Our heart is in pain and doesn't understand.


That to me is why Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4) Mourning is a process where our hearts are sad, angry and confused. It's hard to see how this makes a person blessed but it comes from the part of being comforted. The only part that we take comfort in is the fact that God is our Father and He has a plan. A blessed person understands this and goes to God for comfort. They also understand that it is still okay to mourn. Its not just a day thing but a process of healing from the comfort we get from God. 


It's not an easy thing but every day is a new step with God and learning how to be comforted through this process of mourning.